I burnt my thumb cooking rice today, pretty badly. For some reason, this made me think of playing pool, and when I think of playing pool, I think of pool sharks. I've always wanted to be a hustler, just going to random pool halls and kicking people's asses at pool and making money. I think I'm just going to make a living donating plasma for now though, seeing as there is a lack of pool halls in any area that I've ever been in my life. In fact, I don't believe that I've ever seen a pool hall.
This basically sums up why I have no ambition in life, I wasn't presented with an appropriate outlet for my emotions or something until I was too old to be good at it. So now I just kind of half-ass everything and laugh about it when I'm drinking or taking random drugs later on.
I need to move.
10.18.2008
10.05.2008
Insignificant Tales, Vol. I
Tonight I tell you a tale of minute proportions that has little to no significance to anythign whatsoever...
There once was a man who lived on Wall Street; he was a simple beggar with nought but a cup and a caoat to his name, he walked the streets with his head hung in shame, but the idea of run-on sentences had never crossed his mind, until one day he found a legal pad in his friend's mom's apartment kitchen and he continued to write a ridiculously long sentence about a pointless story about how he made up a story about how truth mixes with exaggeration.
There once was a man who lived on Wall Street; he was a simple beggar with nought but a cup and a caoat to his name, he walked the streets with his head hung in shame, but the idea of run-on sentences had never crossed his mind, until one day he found a legal pad in his friend's mom's apartment kitchen and he continued to write a ridiculously long sentence about a pointless story about how he made up a story about how truth mixes with exaggeration.
Contempt of Concepts
My own contempt,
stolen by hunters,
stalking in my own apartment,
ate my banana's,
played my guitars,
they would.
Forget your schooling,
I'll be your physician,
Let's pray,
I'll shock you.
(I had difficulty deciding whether to put contempt or concept in the first line, it makes sense to me either way, so read it however you want)
stolen by hunters,
stalking in my own apartment,
ate my banana's,
played my guitars,
they would.
Forget your schooling,
I'll be your physician,
Let's pray,
I'll shock you.
(I had difficulty deciding whether to put contempt or concept in the first line, it makes sense to me either way, so read it however you want)
Word Choice
Tonight I write out of sheer boredom. The slim cracks of light on the wall from the stove clock fuel my mind with words much more extravagant than fuel, but sound even more cheesy. Frustration doesn't seem to bother me lately at all, which is strange because I used to get so stressed out over the smallest things. I should be mildly stressed that I haven't found an apartment yet, and we're supposed to move this weekend; but strangely enough, I'm not. After living with little to no food, not much of this inane, little shit bothers me anymore.
7.24.2008
Hahah I Just Found This
i want to hold your heart and read its veins to see what they have to say.
i want to sit in a park at 230 in the morning and talk.
i want to be cold outside and see our misty breath intertwine like a cheesy movie.
i want to carry you on my back to wherever you need to be.
i want to breathe a sigh of relief when i realize i have someone that can relate.
i want to inhale your hair as you lay on my chest.
i want to be it.
im blind.
i want to take a bone saw, saw your fucking head off, shit down your throat.
i want to grab your arms and pull as hard as i can until they come off of your body.
i want to bite you and scream while your blood fills my mouth.
i want to take a dull, rusty scissors and cut every fucking finger and toe off of your body.
i want to take a butter knife and cut your tongue out.
i want to run your body through a table saw and make beautiful designs on your horrible body.
i want to drain your body of blood and flush it down the toilet.
i want to hold your head in my hands and scream in your fucking face that im not what you say, im what i am, whatever that is, i dont know yet, but its me, i dont care what you say, i know i'll "fail", but its ok with me, i dont mind if i end up dead, i believe the world will be better off without me.
i just want to be loud and fast and energetic and strong and do what i want.
i will.
i know i wont, i know i'll end up just like you, and thats ok, you seem to be beaten into submission by society, and if i can have that kind of pacifism, so be it, thats who i'll be, and it'll be me, and im ok with me.
however, im not ok with you, you FUCK!
i want to sit in a park at 230 in the morning and talk.
i want to be cold outside and see our misty breath intertwine like a cheesy movie.
i want to carry you on my back to wherever you need to be.
i want to breathe a sigh of relief when i realize i have someone that can relate.
i want to inhale your hair as you lay on my chest.
i want to be it.
im blind.
i want to take a bone saw, saw your fucking head off, shit down your throat.
i want to grab your arms and pull as hard as i can until they come off of your body.
i want to bite you and scream while your blood fills my mouth.
i want to take a dull, rusty scissors and cut every fucking finger and toe off of your body.
i want to take a butter knife and cut your tongue out.
i want to run your body through a table saw and make beautiful designs on your horrible body.
i want to drain your body of blood and flush it down the toilet.
i want to hold your head in my hands and scream in your fucking face that im not what you say, im what i am, whatever that is, i dont know yet, but its me, i dont care what you say, i know i'll "fail", but its ok with me, i dont mind if i end up dead, i believe the world will be better off without me.
i just want to be loud and fast and energetic and strong and do what i want.
i will.
i know i wont, i know i'll end up just like you, and thats ok, you seem to be beaten into submission by society, and if i can have that kind of pacifism, so be it, thats who i'll be, and it'll be me, and im ok with me.
however, im not ok with you, you FUCK!
Decisions
burn my retinas and call me red
im not going to be tied to your bed
call me a fuck but i dont care
i've taken all that i can bear
smashed glass and written words
i know its all for the birds
i cant get this out of my head
apparently some things are better of not said
i cant think of what to do
with the thought of you
it rips me apart
it seems that all that matters is being smart
yellow eyes and green shoes
i found all of your little clues
i hate admitting indecision
so i've almost forgone conclusion
im not going to be tied to your bed
call me a fuck but i dont care
i've taken all that i can bear
smashed glass and written words
i know its all for the birds
i cant get this out of my head
apparently some things are better of not said
i cant think of what to do
with the thought of you
it rips me apart
it seems that all that matters is being smart
yellow eyes and green shoes
i found all of your little clues
i hate admitting indecision
so i've almost forgone conclusion
Why Don't You Fill Me Up, butterstuff
when you realize that the bottle wont refill itself. and that life seems kind of similar.
then you check your pocket for cigarettes. fuck, that wont refill either.
you look for the mirror. but there's not always something to scrape.
you fear you're dying. your body is pounding.
sleep just takes up time. time for other things.
but when you've got nothing but time. it means you're stuck at home.
you're sick of taking advantages. its all you've ever done.
you just want to be used. but realize it doesnt happen.
you have nothing of value. so whats going on.
no help to anyone.
then you check your pocket for cigarettes. fuck, that wont refill either.
you look for the mirror. but there's not always something to scrape.
you fear you're dying. your body is pounding.
sleep just takes up time. time for other things.
but when you've got nothing but time. it means you're stuck at home.
you're sick of taking advantages. its all you've ever done.
you just want to be used. but realize it doesnt happen.
you have nothing of value. so whats going on.
no help to anyone.
My Advice to You
Born into everything,
but everything is nothing you want,
so leave home,
drag nothing behind,
but the things built on your own.
Do something you love,
be who you will,
drain their blood from your veins,
bottle it up and sell it to Wal-Mart.
Empty their grayness from your brain
put it in buckets and paint the courthouse.
You're the only one who knows,
so go blow it.
but everything is nothing you want,
so leave home,
drag nothing behind,
but the things built on your own.
Do something you love,
be who you will,
drain their blood from your veins,
bottle it up and sell it to Wal-Mart.
Empty their grayness from your brain
put it in buckets and paint the courthouse.
You're the only one who knows,
so go blow it.
Frustration
it seems to come around this time of year
this time of molting gravel and weight limits.
beaches of life and beer
well goes life,
then i get hit in a nut
and im back on the floor trying to make it not hurt
but oh it hurts
it sure does
as the murdering rapist says:
i'msorry
i'm not sorry.
i dont believe i did anything wrong
its the rabid bunnies of brains
that DO the wrongDOing.
it comes when i dont need it.
bad times made worse.
worse times made far worse
a night that i looked forward to for a long time
i was sad when it hit,
then happy for a while.
the morning was great, but then it hurt
it hurt so bad.
this time of molting gravel and weight limits.
beaches of life and beer
well goes life,
then i get hit in a nut
and im back on the floor trying to make it not hurt
but oh it hurts
it sure does
as the murdering rapist says:
i'msorry
i'm not sorry.
i dont believe i did anything wrong
its the rabid bunnies of brains
that DO the wrongDOing.
it comes when i dont need it.
bad times made worse.
worse times made far worse
a night that i looked forward to for a long time
i was sad when it hit,
then happy for a while.
the morning was great, but then it hurt
it hurt so bad.
Cold, Wet Blanket
my toes are literally bathing in the cold,
wet despair of spilt water on the floor,
while my brain is bathing in the hot,
white confusion of adolescence brewing in my brain.
I've much too much
too much
too much
too much
too much
too much fuel with which to burn these infinitely hot flames.
If only this blanket of cold,
smothering water could somehow dampen these whorendous flames
that have constantly tortured this
head of mine.
wet despair of spilt water on the floor,
while my brain is bathing in the hot,
white confusion of adolescence brewing in my brain.
I've much too much
too much
too much
too much
too much
too much fuel with which to burn these infinitely hot flames.
If only this blanket of cold,
smothering water could somehow dampen these whorendous flames
that have constantly tortured this
head of mine.
The Plague
stop.
dont talk
just listen to these horrid everything's that i whisper in your ear
the love that comes from the deep
dark, moldy crevices of my heart is far inferior
to the cleaned up kids of everyone's past.
im no more a good person
than the last.
dont talk
just listen to these horrid everything's that i whisper in your ear
the love that comes from the deep
dark, moldy crevices of my heart is far inferior
to the cleaned up kids of everyone's past.
im no more a good person
than the last.
7.20.2008
I'm Schizotypal
So I took some lame Personality Disorder Test. Here's my results. I don't think I need to say anything else, enjoy.
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
Link To The Test
I was really serious about it and didn't lie about anything.
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: Very High
Antisocial: High
Borderline: Very High
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
Link To The Test
I was really serious about it and didn't lie about anything.
7.05.2008
Lies
I would have to say that the best lie that I've ever told was to myself.
Telling myself that everything will work out in the end has gotten me into a lot of trouble, but it also has basically rid my life of stress. I really don't care about much, because I assume that it will work itself out in the end without me meddling with it. In some cases this can be very bad, such as with fines and bills. But in some cases its very good, possibly even the same cases. I don't worry about fines and bills, so I don't get stressed at all. It is quite a strange situation.
Telling myself that everything will work out in the end has gotten me into a lot of trouble, but it also has basically rid my life of stress. I really don't care about much, because I assume that it will work itself out in the end without me meddling with it. In some cases this can be very bad, such as with fines and bills. But in some cases its very good, possibly even the same cases. I don't worry about fines and bills, so I don't get stressed at all. It is quite a strange situation.
Firsts and Lasts
Sometime over the course of my life, apparently it was decided in my head that firsts and lasts were of no importance to me. I have a really hard time remembering the first and/or last time that I've done most of the things in my life.
I really wish that I could remember the first time that I met a lot of people. Often, people bring up when we met for the first time, and I just play along because I honestly do not remember when or where I met them.
The main exception to this is Dave, I remember that day quite clearly, playing Clue in the guidance office in High School, and helping each other cheat.
I really wish that I could remember the first time that I met a lot of people. Often, people bring up when we met for the first time, and I just play along because I honestly do not remember when or where I met them.
The main exception to this is Dave, I remember that day quite clearly, playing Clue in the guidance office in High School, and helping each other cheat.
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